the present. the future.

there are two words that have crossed my mind lately: the future
if it's about the future, i get excited and scared at the same time. i'm mostly excited about living with him. we know it's too soon to even think about marriage but we've planned everything. we (or is it just me) get too excited about our plans and our future together.
but, the excitement doesn't come alone. it comes with fear as well. i can go from very excited to very terrified in a matter of second.

my thoughts of the future scare me yet i cannot get them out of my head. i'm an insomniac, sort of, so i stay up late every day and that's when the thoughts start creeping in.
what am i capable of? will i ever get a job? what will i be? will i have a better life? will i travel the world? can i pursue higher education? will he marry me? will i get the job i've always wanted?
ugh, i hate those questions. well, i hate me for asking myself those questions.

i know worrying is stupid because i waste my time and energy thinking about uncertain things but i just can't help it.
what if there's nothing i can do? what if i never get a job? what if i won't have a better life? what if we never get married? what if...
and yes, those what ifs drive me insane as well. i'm terrified.

i think too much about the future and i hate it. i hate me for worrying about uncertain things. i mean, why think about it if it's still uncertain? i can't change a thing, either.

or is it because i'm unhappy with the present? i'm unhappy with the present so i stuff my head with future plans that can make me happy. i think too much about the future because i want to escape from the present.

i've always imagined the future i want it to be: in the future, i'll travel the world with him and then we'll reside in australia or england. i'll be a photographer and own a chic cupcake shop. i'll be a mother of two and we'll live happily ever after.
and the thought always makes me happy.

maybe i'm right. maybe i think too much about the future so i can escape the reality, the present. since i can't live the way i want to and i can't get everything i want (yes, i'm fully aware that, in life, i can't always get what i want). and those make me unhappy. i'm unhappy because there is nothing i can do to change that.
that's why i've created a pretty little space in the back of my mind where my imagination lives. my imagination, my plans, my dreams.

the future.

even the uncertain future is more exciting than the present.

i don't know what the future has for me but i believe the future will be better. the future will be brighter. the future will be a more pleasant place for me to live.
it may seem uncertain but the uncertainty makes me excited (and terrified) - for many better and best things to come.

xo