hey dad

hey dad,

how are you up there? are you okay? are you happy?

haha silly me. i don't need to ask you because I know, I believe that you're fine. and you're happy. you're so happy up there you don't want to come back :")

hey dad,

i didn't come alone today. i was with the guy I've told you about.

you heard a lot about him, but you haven't met him. so... there he was.

you guys don't know each other but dad, he saw you like he have known you for so long.

he loves you too, dad. I know it.

hey dad,

can you see? i smiled. i want you to know that i'm okay.

you know my life will never be the same without you, you know it.

but, i'm okay. i have a very strong mom and she's the one helping me to get through.

i'm surrounded by amazing friends who will never let me down.

hey dad,

can you see? he smiled with me.

he's glad to give you a visit.

he's happy to see you, too.

hey dad,

if only you could spend more time in this world, you would be happy to see him.

i mean, really. he's the kind of guy who would endlessly talk about politics with you.

he's nice, he's polite, he's smart, and he's the guy you could watch football with.

he's the guy you would befriend with.

hey dad,

he's been the one, he's the one, and he will always be the one.

he may not love me as much as you did but he does make me feel special. like you used to.

he helps me to get back up when I fall. he makes me laugh when I don't want to smile.

he's my superhuman.

hey dad,

do you know how much I miss you?

do you know how much I love you?

do you know how hard I wish to have you back?

do you know how difficult our lives have been without you?

hey dad,

I said I loved you but you didn't say I love you too.

I said I missed you but you weren't there to hug me.

I was crying but you weren't there to wipe my tears.

hey dad,

it's been awhile and I miss you so much. every single day.

but you will never be back. never. you've gone. and you've gone forever.

I may not be able to see you again but dad, I love you so much. the love will never change.

I may love him but you're my first love, and you will always be.

hey dad,

I know I'm not the best daughter you've had, but I was your favorite.

I know I'm not perfect, but you loved me.

hey dad,

I just want you to know that whenever I look up, I picture you. 

I picture you inbetween bright stars and your smile shines the brightest.

I also want you to know that whenever I remember you, I encourage myself to be better.

so when you look down at me, you'll say "that is my girl I'm proud of"

hey dad,

you know it's not a good-bye, right? it's a see you later.

you know I love you. always have, always will.

xo

my baby -- the one and only

lovely sad

meet ines, a girl of everyone's dream. i mean like... really and seriously. i met her in 2010, when all of the boys in our class had a HUGE crush on her. when i saw her, i thought: 'oh well she's like the prettiest girl in class. no wonder everyone likes her' but then, as time went by and we're closer, i started thinking 'this girl is more than just a pretty face'

aaand yes she is. she's more than just a pretty face. she is a perfect combination of pretty face, beautiful heart and soul, and intelligent. she's a good listener and she's a great adviser. you have no idea how grateful i am to meet someone like her. 

nope, she's not always this sad. she's not a sad girl, actually. i am the sad girl haha. but i thought she would do good in this kind of photoshoot aaaand she did. me and yui didn't have a hard time working with her. she's very very cooperative and we didn't need to tell her how to pose. she loves being in front of the camera (: and i love her for that (:

more than that, i love her because she believes in me (and everyone) - she's one of the girl who still believes in me when i refuse to believe in myself. she thinks positively. she's always there for anyone who needs her. she has the warmest heart. she's sincere. she's everything a boy asks for and she's everything i could ask for. i love her.

well, we meet someone for a reason and i think the reason why our path crossed is because i need to be a better person than i was (:

the present. the future.

there are two words that have crossed my mind lately: the future
if it's about the future, i get excited and scared at the same time. i'm mostly excited about living with him. we know it's too soon to even think about marriage but we've planned everything. we (or is it just me) get too excited about our plans and our future together.
but, the excitement doesn't come alone. it comes with fear as well. i can go from very excited to very terrified in a matter of second.

my thoughts of the future scare me yet i cannot get them out of my head. i'm an insomniac, sort of, so i stay up late every day and that's when the thoughts start creeping in.
what am i capable of? will i ever get a job? what will i be? will i have a better life? will i travel the world? can i pursue higher education? will he marry me? will i get the job i've always wanted?
ugh, i hate those questions. well, i hate me for asking myself those questions.

i know worrying is stupid because i waste my time and energy thinking about uncertain things but i just can't help it.
what if there's nothing i can do? what if i never get a job? what if i won't have a better life? what if we never get married? what if...
and yes, those what ifs drive me insane as well. i'm terrified.

i think too much about the future and i hate it. i hate me for worrying about uncertain things. i mean, why think about it if it's still uncertain? i can't change a thing, either.

or is it because i'm unhappy with the present? i'm unhappy with the present so i stuff my head with future plans that can make me happy. i think too much about the future because i want to escape from the present.

i've always imagined the future i want it to be: in the future, i'll travel the world with him and then we'll reside in australia or england. i'll be a photographer and own a chic cupcake shop. i'll be a mother of two and we'll live happily ever after.
and the thought always makes me happy.

maybe i'm right. maybe i think too much about the future so i can escape the reality, the present. since i can't live the way i want to and i can't get everything i want (yes, i'm fully aware that, in life, i can't always get what i want). and those make me unhappy. i'm unhappy because there is nothing i can do to change that.
that's why i've created a pretty little space in the back of my mind where my imagination lives. my imagination, my plans, my dreams.

the future.

even the uncertain future is more exciting than the present.

i don't know what the future has for me but i believe the future will be better. the future will be brighter. the future will be a more pleasant place for me to live.
it may seem uncertain but the uncertainty makes me excited (and terrified) - for many better and best things to come.

xo

i'm happy wandering (2)

b/w